Pain.

You know what....

I don't get it anymore. It's getting painful as days go by. 

Are you happy now that I'm miserable? Are you happy now that I'm still chasing you? Are you happy now that I'm back to being miserable every day? 

Yes, I hurt you. It was my fault. But, that was six months ago. You hurt me too, but I didn't do anything about it because I still loved you.

I went into hiding, but there you still were. Kicking me in the balls, slapping it to my face that you were happy, that you were lucky to get me out of your life. Chatting with me, hurting me. Making me feel less and less of a person even if oceans already separated us. Even if we were miles apart.  

I found someone, and I'm sorry if it was your friend. But she was there at the right time. And you still couldn't find peace with it. You told everyone. You hurt her, you hurt me. Thinking life was unfair to you. 

You found out about it, you gave me reasons to not let the so-called "breakup" to hurt me so much. Because you gave that impression that you still have feelings for me. And that you were still there to accept me. And the feelings that I've been trying to bury deep came back.

Now, I feel like you're pushing me away again. rejecting my every move, rejecting even the simplest of gestures. 

What is this? Do you feel a sense of fulfillment every time you see me be sad, depressed and miserable? Talking or not, it still feels the same. When I was depressed, you left me and you showed me and the world that you were happy. When I was starting to be happy, you showed me that there's still something to come back to. And when I did, you kept on rejecting me, until now. I just don't get it anymore? I feel like you want me to be miserable for the rest of my life. 

You brush me off time and time again. You keep on rejecting me. Now that I'm trying to be with you again you say that you can't. But when I was the one who was starting to be happy, you were also the one who pulled me out, saying that there was still a chance.  

Talking or not, again, it doesn't make any difference. 

"Alam mo yun? ang sakit sakit ng ganito. Yung pakiramdam na tingin mo kahit kailan hindi ka na magiging masaya. Yung pakiramdam mo gumaganti sa mga ginawa mo dati. As if hindi pa enough yung ganti na nagkaroon agad, ngayon naman yung pinaasa ka tapos biglang babawiin. Sobrang labo na nakakasakit na. Mas mabuti na nga lang na mamatay kaysa ganito na buhay ka nga, pero pakiramdam mo naman na tumalon ka mula sa isang mataas na gusali. Kasi kumbaga yung mga tao na nasa paligid sa iyo, sinasabi nila na hindi ka pwede maging masaya. Kailangan bumalik sa dating disposisyon na lugmok. Pag nagsisimula ka ng maging masaya, hihilain ka na lang ulit, ng di mo namamalayan. 

Alam mo yun? Kasi simula pa lang nung pag-aayos ko ng estado ko, tapos biglang andyan ka, parang nagbibigay ng pagkakataon muli. Ngayong nandito ulit ako, itinutulak mo na naman ako pa layo. sinasabi mo na hindi mo pa kaya. Kung kailan ako bumalik tsaka mo sasabihin na hindi mo pa kaya. Anong klase yun. Doon pa lang ay nagpaasa ka na. Tapos sasabihin mo na wag na muna mag-usap, buuin muli? Anong inaasahan mong kakalabasan nun? Tinatakasan mo ba yung sitwasyon ngayon, naghahanap ka ng lusot para mawala ulit? Kasi ang labo labo na. Ang sakit sakit na. Buti sana kung bato na talaga yung puso ko, kaya ko isantabi yung mga ganito. Pero hindi. Yung oras na hinihingi mo? Paano naman ako, yung oras ko ninakaw mo, lapit ka pa rin ng lapit noon, yun lang yung oras ko. Tapos ngayon ikaw naman ang humihingi ng oras? Sasabihin mo na para sa ating dalawa yung oras na iyon? Para sa bawat indibidwal? Parang hawak mo na rin kung lubid na bibigti sa akin. Subukan mo rin minsan maramdaman yung itinapon, inayawan, ng paulit- ulit. Para malaman mo yung sakit na dinudulot nito sa akin ngayon. "

To keep me at bay.

Anthology 3

• You have people to support you, andami dami nila. Im left with a few that even doubt me. Where am i going to get the strength, the will to live? You have everything, friends, a new person who provides you happiness, kahot saan ka tumingin, magiging okay ka kasi may sasalo sa iyo. Ako, the people are the ones who make you feel alone. I want to tell you about my day, but i cant. I want to talk to you about something, but i cant. I want to laugh with you, but i cant. I want to cry with you, but i cant. I want to celebrate with you, but i cant. The universe is telling e that I could never be happy. Never. Might as well die while the wound is still fresh.
• 
  

  
  

  You told me you wanted me to suffer, you got your wish.

anthology 2

• Hey, good fellow. It was good while it lasted. We made mistakes, we made bad decisions, this is where we go down. We can't carry the weight anymore partner. This love that we have for her, its not enough anymore. We love her so much, but maybe she found it with someone else already. We just cant live with that in our head everyday. It makes us lose sleep, lose appetite, lose our will to live. And we did. We lost it. It was fun beig with you, old friend. Its time to end this story. They will all get through with it. After they bury us, it wont matter anymore, we wont come back. And we know thats what they want. Let's give it to them.

  Goodbye, Dwight. 21 years of ups and downs. I will miss you. Hope we arrive to the place that we should be.

Anthology 1

Hello. This is so hard. She's already happy. I have decided. Twenty one years are already enough for me. Enough to have experienced almost everything. This feeling, this feeling is already eating me up. I'm losing sleep, paranoid, haven't been eating well. I just want to rest, to have a peace of mind. My love isn't enough anymore. People cannot accept that everything changes, that I can change. Sarah, i love you so much, for all eternity. But, now, its not enough anymore. I am ready to sacrifice everything for you, to give us another chance, a last chance. But I guess, you found somebody already while I'm stuck here dying. Don't worry about leaving me devastated, I already was, when you said "No", I was already dying. And now, I have decided. This is my decision entirely, no one should be blamed. I've already accepted that you will never be able to love me anymore. So be it. I know taking my life would be a big thing, but its actually something that I could pull off, with all of what I have said, of all of what I told you. Just let me tell you my final words, and then I'll be on my way. Its already been more than a month, I just want to end my life to end all of my suffering, as well as the suffering of all the people that know me and that I know. It will be hard to accept at first, but I know everybody will get over it. A lot of people didn't even remember my birthday, so why would my death be any more different? I'm giving you all the peace of mind you all deserve, and my exit would provide just that. Be happy everyone.

July 9, 2013

Lahat ng tao nahihirapan.

Oo, lahat. Iba- iba lang ang tipo. Minsan hindi lang kita, pero nahihirapan din ang bawat tao. Kahit na maraming nagsasabi na may ibang tao na di nahihirapan, nahihirapan rin iyon. Gaya nga ng nabanggit ko, iba iba lang ang tipo.

Sakripisyo.

Para kanino ba nagsasakripisyo? Edi sa kung ano gusto ng ibang tao na matanggap mula sa akin, mga magagandang grado. Kaya wala ng ibang paraan kundi mag tengang tapayan na lamang, sa mga masasakit na salita na sobrang tumatagos na. Kadalasang hindi nakikita ang sakripisyo, ang hirap na dinaranas, na ibinibigay para lamang maibigay ang matagal na nilang hinihingi. Kahit na tingin nila na basura, pahirap, pabigat, pinipilit mong maging bingi at ituloy ang ginagawa, para lang din naman sa kanila ito. Wala namang nagtagumpay na hindi nilalatigo sa likod.

Pasensya.

Yun naman kailangan lagi sa kahit anong bagay. Kakaunting pasensya lang para mabigyan ng daan ang ipinapaintindi sa isang tao. Ang problema, lagi na lang hindi iniintindi, lagi na lang mali.

Katapusan.

Hirap at sakripisyong pawang habang nasa proseso pa lamang ay nawawalan na ng saysay dahil sa kawalan ng pasensya, tila nawawalan na ako ng pag- asa na bigyan pa ang buhay ng pagkakataon. Hindi naman nawala sa isip ito. Sobrang hirap lang kasi ng mula't sapul ay dinudurog ka na, siguro hanggang huli dudurugin  ka. ALAM ko na mas magiginhawahan sila na mawala na lamang ako.

Wala ng kailangan magpaalam, wala ng uuwi ng gabing- gabi. Wala ng isusuheto, Wala ng proproblemahin.

Malaya na kayo.

last dance?

why am i doing this? I dont know really. but i'm guessing this would be my heartfelt note. i dont even care about grammar puctuations and capitalizations anymore. im just saying this out of pure thought.

hey you reader. i hope that when you read this, you show this to the world. that there was once a guy who lived to be happy and sad at the same time. and reader, i hope youre real enough to actually read this.

pain. the word pain. the feeling of pain. hearing someone in pain. seeing someone in pain. it just makes you weak inside. i have been through pain, and a lot of it. feeling, seeing, hearing...all by myself. pain that never made me stronger, only made me weaker. weaker that nobody would ever care for me anymore, because i am weak. i can never sustain myself. that i could be clobbered in any way. that i could not defend myself. a lot of instances and people told me in my face that i could not do it. all my life i was faced with rejection. i was never good. even my family says i am wak. i am stupid. i am ignorant. i could never do much by myself. i could never live by myself. that i am an idiot. hearing these words. it made me realize what a useless being i am. that i am the scum living in this world. i am the scum that prevents the world from improving. its scum like me that never puts the world in balance.

when i am alone by myself. i think. should i end this miserable life? should i end my life for the good of others? because they treat me as a burden. that they suffer if theyre with me or near me.

should i?

maybe i should.

maybe, in my departure. everyone will be better off. everyone will be happier.

maybe i will be too, finally.

-end-

There are two ways to relieve yourself of sadness, depression and all of those negative vibes. Either you punch a wall so hard that it might break (of course the hand, but so little the wall) or you could write. And to be honest, I'd rather have a functioning hand to write instead of a broken one that's useless.

There are feelings that I have, feelings that doesn't manifest but is there, like a ghost. And one way or another, you have to take notice, because unlike ghost, these feelings stab you like a dagger, piercing your insides, going deeper and deeper until it reaches your heart. 

Wasn't this supposed to be fun, to be a happy feeling? I thought having a new life would strengthen me? Why does it keep on pushing me down to the ground? Why does it keep punching me with blows that knock me out? Why does it keep on hurting me? Why does it hit me hard whenever a good thing happens? Why can't it be a simple life?

So many questions in my head that I can't even answer. Why can't I answer it? Because I become so busy at trying to get back up that I can't even have the opportunity to notice what is happening to me. So many things to gaze upon, take notice that makes you feel left out, unwanted, or regrettable. Yes I put my despair in words, but I could never put it in actions. I could never express it without a piece of paper or a blank word document. People say I always have to be happy, all the time and when I fail to be happy, I fail life. You cannot show your true emotions because the people do not want to see that. They'd rather have you boiling up yourself inside rather than to let it all out. And another thing that prevents me from expressing is that some people get hurt when they see me hurt. I, as a person, gets burdened by the fact that people are getting hurt because of me. Imagine how I feel when I see or hear people get hurt because of my sad feelings. It's like putting a ton of weight on my back, and then put another ton. I feel the burden of being at fault. So for me, I would just keep it to myself and find a piece of paper to write about it. Because that way, I hurt nobody, just me. 

To end this blog, I leave a question. Would it be better for everyone's sake if I took myself out of the picture? Because for them, I am just one moving and breathing liability and I should be taken out of the picture?