Late night thoughts

Sa totoo lang, ang sakit sakit na rin.

Hindi kita iniwan. Hinding hindi kita iniwan. Nawala ako sa landas ko pero never kitang iniwan. Naligaw ako, oo, ilang beses ko na rin inaamin na kasalanan ko yun. Pero sinubukan ko na lumapit muli, na humingi ng isa pang pagkakataon dahil alam ko, sigurado ako na this time it will be totally different. Tsaka mo ako iniwan.

Nanlumo ako ng matagal na panahon, lalo na ng malaman ko ang mga kasalukuyang nangyayari noon. Masakit dahil una, wala akong magawa. Pangalawa kilala ko ang lahat ng kasali. At pangatlo, dahil mahal na mahal pa rin kita. Wala sa mga sinabi ko ang pinakinggan mo, pinagpatuloy mo lang ang sakit na ipinararanas mo sa akin.

Nang ako naman ang nagsimulang lumayo, ikaw naman ang lapit ng lapit. Dagat na nga ang naging pagitan natin, hindi ito naging hadlang sa akin para sumubok na rumeconnect sa akin. Labis akong nasasaktan noon dahil kahit ano mang pilit ko na lumayo sayo, ikaw ang lapit ng lapit, lalo na kapag kinukwento mo kung gaano ka ka saya sa kasama mo noong panahon na iyon.

Nang ako nag sumusubok na lumapit sa iba, akala ko makakalimutan na kita. Ngunit, hinanap mo ako muli, nagparamdam ka ng pagmamahal tungo sa akin. Kahit na alam mo na mahal pa rin kita, at gusto ko sumaya sa iyo, pero may iba na akong sinusubukang maging karelasyon, tinuloy mo pa rin. Tinuloy ng tinuloy ng tinuloy hanggang sa nahukay mo yung pinakatatago kong mga pakiramdam tungo sa iyo. ibinuhos ko sayo ngunit bigla mong tinanggihan. Lumayo ako muli.

Nang makahanap ng ikasasaya, nandyan ka pa rin, lapit ng lapit, kausap ng kausap, hanggang sa muli mo ako nahukay. Muli mo ako nahuli. Nawala na siya, dahil alam ko sa loob loob ko na ikaw pa rin talaga. Na ang hirap hirap mo ng tanggalin sa sarili ko.

Ngunit ngayon, ano na ang nangyayari. Kung kailan ako na ang humahabol sa iyo. Kung kailan na sayong-sayo na ako, kung kailan may oras para magsimula muli, tsaka mo sasabihin na ayaw mo. Tsaka mo sasabihin na hindi ka pa handa. Kung kailan alam mo na ikaw na lang ang meron ako, tsaka mo babawiin. Alam mo ba kung gaano kasakit yun? Na ginawa ka lang na aso na pinapahabol ng bola, pero sa huli ay mawawala ka rin. Ang sakit lang, sa totoo lang.

Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko. Andaming oras na ikaw ang iniisip, andaming gabing ikaw ang panaginip, andaming  nararamdaman, nagkahalong pag-ibig at sakit sa twing nirereject mo ako. Sa twing ipinapakita mo ngayon na wala. Na tinutulak mo lang ako papalayo.

Ang sakit sakit na lang rin.

Isang mensahe

panong mag uusap if you keep brushing me off?

na twing magtatanong ako kung pwede ka, di ka pwede pero pag sa ibang tao, coincidental or not, pwede ka?

ang labo labo na kasi. and frankly, masakit na siya. Di mo pa kasi nasusubukang ma ganito.

Every time I try, laging hindi pwede. Well, kailan pa magiging pwede? pag may iba ka na? Pag may iba na naman akong gusto? Or wala naman talagang perfect time para makasama ka? Palagi kang may plano.

Believe me, I'm trying to get a hold of you, I'm trying to reach out to you, I'm trying. God knows I am. Pero bakit however i try, nababasura mo lang? Na parang wala lang para sa iyo?

Pero pag nawala ako, lagi kang andyan.

Siguro nga tama ako, Pinapanatili mo lang ako na nasa likod mo, habol ng habol sa iyo, pero wala ka naman talagang intensyon o balak pagkatapos. Gusto mo lang malaman na nasa likod mo lang ako. Kasi alam mo na kahit anong mangyari, naandito pa rin ako para sa iyo. Na kahit anong pangbabalasubas, at pagyuyurak ng pagkatao ang mangyari sa akin, naandito pa rin ako para sa iyo.

Sana mapag-isipan mo man lang.

Kasi tao rin naman ako.

May mga nararamdaman din ako.

Hindi naman ako bato.

OO, MAHAL KITA,

pero,

sana wag mo naman akong tratuhin ng ganito.

....

Do you remember the last time that you were happy?....

... because I don't.

Language

Isang tagong liham...


Simple lang naman. Gusto ko na itapon ang buhay ko. Gusto ko ng manahimik. Gusto ko ng mawala lahat ng naging hinanakit ko sa mundong ito. Gusto ko na lang mahanap yung kapayapaan ko. Ayoko na palaging nag-iisip. 

Gusto ko ng mawala.

Gusto ko ng itapon ang buhay ko.

Wala rin namang makapapansin. 

Mabuti pa nga.

Wala rin namang makakabasa nito.

Wala rin namang makakaintindi nito.

Wala rin namang masaya pag kasama ako.

Kasi ako mismo....





Hindi na ako masaya....



Mabuti pa mawala na lang....



Sakripisyo....


Para lahat masaya....

Pain.

You know what....

I don't get it anymore. It's getting painful as days go by. 

Are you happy now that I'm miserable? Are you happy now that I'm still chasing you? Are you happy now that I'm back to being miserable every day? 

Yes, I hurt you. It was my fault. But, that was six months ago. You hurt me too, but I didn't do anything about it because I still loved you.

I went into hiding, but there you still were. Kicking me in the balls, slapping it to my face that you were happy, that you were lucky to get me out of your life. Chatting with me, hurting me. Making me feel less and less of a person even if oceans already separated us. Even if we were miles apart.  

I found someone, and I'm sorry if it was your friend. But she was there at the right time. And you still couldn't find peace with it. You told everyone. You hurt her, you hurt me. Thinking life was unfair to you. 

You found out about it, you gave me reasons to not let the so-called "breakup" to hurt me so much. Because you gave that impression that you still have feelings for me. And that you were still there to accept me. And the feelings that I've been trying to bury deep came back.

Now, I feel like you're pushing me away again. rejecting my every move, rejecting even the simplest of gestures. 

What is this? Do you feel a sense of fulfillment every time you see me be sad, depressed and miserable? Talking or not, it still feels the same. When I was depressed, you left me and you showed me and the world that you were happy. When I was starting to be happy, you showed me that there's still something to come back to. And when I did, you kept on rejecting me, until now. I just don't get it anymore? I feel like you want me to be miserable for the rest of my life. 

You brush me off time and time again. You keep on rejecting me. Now that I'm trying to be with you again you say that you can't. But when I was the one who was starting to be happy, you were also the one who pulled me out, saying that there was still a chance.  

Talking or not, again, it doesn't make any difference. 

"Alam mo yun? ang sakit sakit ng ganito. Yung pakiramdam na tingin mo kahit kailan hindi ka na magiging masaya. Yung pakiramdam mo gumaganti sa mga ginawa mo dati. As if hindi pa enough yung ganti na nagkaroon agad, ngayon naman yung pinaasa ka tapos biglang babawiin. Sobrang labo na nakakasakit na. Mas mabuti na nga lang na mamatay kaysa ganito na buhay ka nga, pero pakiramdam mo naman na tumalon ka mula sa isang mataas na gusali. Kasi kumbaga yung mga tao na nasa paligid sa iyo, sinasabi nila na hindi ka pwede maging masaya. Kailangan bumalik sa dating disposisyon na lugmok. Pag nagsisimula ka ng maging masaya, hihilain ka na lang ulit, ng di mo namamalayan. 

Alam mo yun? Kasi simula pa lang nung pag-aayos ko ng estado ko, tapos biglang andyan ka, parang nagbibigay ng pagkakataon muli. Ngayong nandito ulit ako, itinutulak mo na naman ako pa layo. sinasabi mo na hindi mo pa kaya. Kung kailan ako bumalik tsaka mo sasabihin na hindi mo pa kaya. Anong klase yun. Doon pa lang ay nagpaasa ka na. Tapos sasabihin mo na wag na muna mag-usap, buuin muli? Anong inaasahan mong kakalabasan nun? Tinatakasan mo ba yung sitwasyon ngayon, naghahanap ka ng lusot para mawala ulit? Kasi ang labo labo na. Ang sakit sakit na. Buti sana kung bato na talaga yung puso ko, kaya ko isantabi yung mga ganito. Pero hindi. Yung oras na hinihingi mo? Paano naman ako, yung oras ko ninakaw mo, lapit ka pa rin ng lapit noon, yun lang yung oras ko. Tapos ngayon ikaw naman ang humihingi ng oras? Sasabihin mo na para sa ating dalawa yung oras na iyon? Para sa bawat indibidwal? Parang hawak mo na rin kung lubid na bibigti sa akin. Subukan mo rin minsan maramdaman yung itinapon, inayawan, ng paulit- ulit. Para malaman mo yung sakit na dinudulot nito sa akin ngayon. "

To keep me at bay.

Anthology 3

• You have people to support you, andami dami nila. Im left with a few that even doubt me. Where am i going to get the strength, the will to live? You have everything, friends, a new person who provides you happiness, kahot saan ka tumingin, magiging okay ka kasi may sasalo sa iyo. Ako, the people are the ones who make you feel alone. I want to tell you about my day, but i cant. I want to talk to you about something, but i cant. I want to laugh with you, but i cant. I want to cry with you, but i cant. I want to celebrate with you, but i cant. The universe is telling e that I could never be happy. Never. Might as well die while the wound is still fresh.
• 
  

  
  

  You told me you wanted me to suffer, you got your wish.

anthology 2

• Hey, good fellow. It was good while it lasted. We made mistakes, we made bad decisions, this is where we go down. We can't carry the weight anymore partner. This love that we have for her, its not enough anymore. We love her so much, but maybe she found it with someone else already. We just cant live with that in our head everyday. It makes us lose sleep, lose appetite, lose our will to live. And we did. We lost it. It was fun beig with you, old friend. Its time to end this story. They will all get through with it. After they bury us, it wont matter anymore, we wont come back. And we know thats what they want. Let's give it to them.

  Goodbye, Dwight. 21 years of ups and downs. I will miss you. Hope we arrive to the place that we should be.

Anthology 1

Hello. This is so hard. She's already happy. I have decided. Twenty one years are already enough for me. Enough to have experienced almost everything. This feeling, this feeling is already eating me up. I'm losing sleep, paranoid, haven't been eating well. I just want to rest, to have a peace of mind. My love isn't enough anymore. People cannot accept that everything changes, that I can change. Sarah, i love you so much, for all eternity. But, now, its not enough anymore. I am ready to sacrifice everything for you, to give us another chance, a last chance. But I guess, you found somebody already while I'm stuck here dying. Don't worry about leaving me devastated, I already was, when you said "No", I was already dying. And now, I have decided. This is my decision entirely, no one should be blamed. I've already accepted that you will never be able to love me anymore. So be it. I know taking my life would be a big thing, but its actually something that I could pull off, with all of what I have said, of all of what I told you. Just let me tell you my final words, and then I'll be on my way. Its already been more than a month, I just want to end my life to end all of my suffering, as well as the suffering of all the people that know me and that I know. It will be hard to accept at first, but I know everybody will get over it. A lot of people didn't even remember my birthday, so why would my death be any more different? I'm giving you all the peace of mind you all deserve, and my exit would provide just that. Be happy everyone.