last dance?

why am i doing this? I dont know really. but i'm guessing this would be my heartfelt note. i dont even care about grammar puctuations and capitalizations anymore. im just saying this out of pure thought.

hey you reader. i hope that when you read this, you show this to the world. that there was once a guy who lived to be happy and sad at the same time. and reader, i hope youre real enough to actually read this.

pain. the word pain. the feeling of pain. hearing someone in pain. seeing someone in pain. it just makes you weak inside. i have been through pain, and a lot of it. feeling, seeing, hearing...all by myself. pain that never made me stronger, only made me weaker. weaker that nobody would ever care for me anymore, because i am weak. i can never sustain myself. that i could be clobbered in any way. that i could not defend myself. a lot of instances and people told me in my face that i could not do it. all my life i was faced with rejection. i was never good. even my family says i am wak. i am stupid. i am ignorant. i could never do much by myself. i could never live by myself. that i am an idiot. hearing these words. it made me realize what a useless being i am. that i am the scum living in this world. i am the scum that prevents the world from improving. its scum like me that never puts the world in balance.

when i am alone by myself. i think. should i end this miserable life? should i end my life for the good of others? because they treat me as a burden. that they suffer if theyre with me or near me.

should i?

maybe i should.

maybe, in my departure. everyone will be better off. everyone will be happier.

maybe i will be too, finally.

-end-

There are two ways to relieve yourself of sadness, depression and all of those negative vibes. Either you punch a wall so hard that it might break (of course the hand, but so little the wall) or you could write. And to be honest, I'd rather have a functioning hand to write instead of a broken one that's useless.

There are feelings that I have, feelings that doesn't manifest but is there, like a ghost. And one way or another, you have to take notice, because unlike ghost, these feelings stab you like a dagger, piercing your insides, going deeper and deeper until it reaches your heart. 

Wasn't this supposed to be fun, to be a happy feeling? I thought having a new life would strengthen me? Why does it keep on pushing me down to the ground? Why does it keep punching me with blows that knock me out? Why does it keep on hurting me? Why does it hit me hard whenever a good thing happens? Why can't it be a simple life?

So many questions in my head that I can't even answer. Why can't I answer it? Because I become so busy at trying to get back up that I can't even have the opportunity to notice what is happening to me. So many things to gaze upon, take notice that makes you feel left out, unwanted, or regrettable. Yes I put my despair in words, but I could never put it in actions. I could never express it without a piece of paper or a blank word document. People say I always have to be happy, all the time and when I fail to be happy, I fail life. You cannot show your true emotions because the people do not want to see that. They'd rather have you boiling up yourself inside rather than to let it all out. And another thing that prevents me from expressing is that some people get hurt when they see me hurt. I, as a person, gets burdened by the fact that people are getting hurt because of me. Imagine how I feel when I see or hear people get hurt because of my sad feelings. It's like putting a ton of weight on my back, and then put another ton. I feel the burden of being at fault. So for me, I would just keep it to myself and find a piece of paper to write about it. Because that way, I hurt nobody, just me. 

To end this blog, I leave a question. Would it be better for everyone's sake if I took myself out of the picture? Because for them, I am just one moving and breathing liability and I should be taken out of the picture?

Filipino

Nakakainis. Ang galing nga naman no. Di niya daw kayang umakyat at kausapin akodahil pagod na pagod na siya, pero nagawang magdadadamba paakyat at sigaw sigawan ako ng kung ano no. ang gara din naman. Tapos sisisihin yung pinapakinggan ko kasi masyadong malakas yung volume, grabe lang ha? di ba pwedeng magrecover muna ako sa pinagdaanan ko kanina?? yun na nga lang yung paraan ko para magcope sa mga pinagsasabi mo sa akin kanina sa harap ng maraming tao, paraan ng pagrerecover sa paghhot seat niyo sa akin, grabe lang ha?! tapos biglang dadagdagan mo pa?! AYOS AH!!!!!! SISIGAW SIGAWAN MO PA AKO NG MAGSOLO NA AKO?! E GAGO KA PALA EH!!!! MATUTO KA MAKIPAGUSAP NG MAAYOS!!!! DI YUNG BIGLAAN MO NA LANG SISIGAWAN!!! NAKAKAGAGO EHNO?! ANO YAN?! ADRENALINE KAYA KA NAKAAKYAT DITO PARA LANG SIGAWAN AKO?! AKO NGA DAPAT MAGSABI NG "PUTANGINANG BUHAY TO" EH?! DAHIL AKO YUNG GINAGANITO MO!!!! NI HINDI MO NGA SINUSUBUKANG INTINDIHIN NARARAMDAMAN KO EH!!! AYOS KA!!!! SASABIHAN MO AKO NA BAKA MA-DALE KO?! IBIG SABIHIN NGA WALA KANG TIWALA SAKIN!!! TAPOS NGAYON. PAGKATAPOS KONG KUMAIN MAG (PUTANGINANG) ISA, KAKAIN KA!!! INANTAY MO AKONG MATAPOS!!! PUTANGINANG BUHAY YAN! AYAW MO NG KASABAY SA HAPAG KAINAN KASI GALIT KA?! TANGINA! TAPOS PAG NAGPAPALIWANANG AKO WALANG EPEKTO SAYO DAHIL HINDI KA NAMAN NAKIKINIG EH!!! TAPOS ANG LAKAS NG LOOB MONG MAGSABI NA HIRAP NA HIRAP KA NA!!! MALAMANG!!! PARANG MATEMATIKA LANG ANG BUHAY NATIN!!! KUNG DI MO IINTINDIHIN, MALAMANG LAMANG MAGKAKALECHE LECHE BUHAY MO!!! KAPAL NG MUKA! DI PORKET TUMATANDA KA NA E PAPALAGPASIN KO NA YANG MGA PINAGGAGAGAWA MO!!!! MAGING OVER SENSITIVE SA LAHAT NG BAGAY!!! TANGINA!!!! AT YUNG MGA PINAGSASASABI MO SAKIN BAGO NITO, PUTANGINA?! AKO BA MAY KASALANAN NITO?! NA DI KA NAGTITIWALA SAKIN?! DI NAMAN AKO YUNG MAGFAIL AH!!! SILA!!! TANGINA!!! DI PORKET KAPATID KO, GAGAWIN KO RIN YUNG GINAWA NILA!!!! AT KAYO RIN MGA KAPATID KO, KUNG DI NIYO SINIRA AT GINAGO MGA BUHAY NIYO NOONG UNA, NAG WORK MAN O HINDI, TANGGAP MAN O HINDI, KAYO MAY KASALANAN KUNG BAKIT NAWALAN NG TIWALA SAKIN NANAY NATIN!!! TANGINA LANG EH!!!! SAKIN BUMAGSAK LAHAT!!!! DI NA AKO NAPAGBIGYANG SUMAYA NG LUBOS DAHIL HINDI ISANG DAANG PORSYENTO ANG TIWALA SAKIN?! KASALANAN NIYO TO!!! PUTANGINA LALO KA NA, IKAW MALANDI KA NA LUMAYAS DAHIL NAINLOVE SA KAURI!!! PUTANGINA KA!!!! SALAMAT SAYO HA?!!! SIRA NA TIWALA NG NANAY NATIN PAGDATING SAKIN!!! KUNG KELAN DESERVING YUNG PASENSYA AT  TIWALA TSAKA NABAWASAN NG GRABE!!! PUTANGINA!!! NGAYON BALIK TAYO SAYO!!!! TANGINA!!! ANO PA BA GUSTO MO GAWIN KO HA?!!!!! NI HINDI MO NA NGA AKO PINAGKAKATIWALAAN EH?! TAPOS NGAYON PINAPAREHA MO PA AKO SA TATAY KONG ALAM NAMAN NG LAHAT NA DI KO KAPAREHO!!!! TANGINA PINAREHO BA NAMAN AKO DOON?!!!! NAKITA LANG AKO NAGLINIS PAPASHOW OFF NA DAW AKO KASI MAY BISITA AKO?!!! WOW AH!!!! TIGNAN MO KASI YUNG GINAWA KONG SCHEDULE NG MALAMAN MO KUNG ANO INAATUPAG KO!!!! AT SINUSUMBAT MO SA AKIN NA DI MAN LANG AKO NAGOFFER NG TULONG SAYO KANINA, E PUTANGINA NAMAN!!!! ALAM MO NA NGA AKO YUNG TIPONG HINDI TALAGA GUMAGALAW NG KUSA, MAGREREKLAMO KA PA!!! WILLING NAMAN YUNG TAO EH, SABIHAN LANG, E HINDI EH!!! GUMALAW KA MAG ISA, TAPOS BIGLANG SASABIHIN MO NA DI KA MAN LANG TINUTULUNGAN! PARANG GAGO LANG!!! MAGSABI KASI!!! YUN YUNG PROBLEMA MO EH!!! DI KA MARUNONG MAKIPAG USAP, MGA PARAAN MO BASTUSAN EH!!!! PAG PAPAHIYA O PAG GALIT KA LANG EH!!! BARUMBADONG USAP?!! DIYAN KA MAGALING EH!!! NASASABI MO LAHAT PAG BARUMBADO KA MAKIPAG USAP PERO PAG MALUMANAY NA USAPAN, WOOH!!! TANGINA!!! WALA KANG MARINIG NA KAHIT ANO EH!!!! TANGINANG BUHAY TO!!!! PARANG WALA NG GINAWANG TAMA EH!!! GANYANAN!!! BASTUSAN!!! DI NA LANG AKO NAGREREKLAMO KASI WALA NAMAN DAW AKONG KARAPATAN MAGREKLAMO!!! WOW AH!!! LAHAT NG TAO MAY KARAPATANG MAGREKLAMO!!!! KAHIT AKO!!! NA DI MO NAIINTINDIHAN!!! KAYA PWEDE LANG, YNAG PRIDE MO PABABAIN MO DAHIL YAN ANG KUMIKITIL SA KUNG ANO NA LANG MERON TAYO!!! DADALAWA NA NGA LANG TAYO, PUTANGINA SING TAYOG PA RIN NG MOUNT EVEREST PRIDE MO EH!!! UMAYOS KA NAMAN!!! NI HINDI MO NGA ALAM NA NAKAKASAKIT KA NA NG TAO EH!!! BASTA PATULOY ANG PAGDADADAKDAK MO, WALA KANG PAKE!!! TATAWA TAWA KA PA DIYAN!! TAPOS KANINA SINASABI MO NA NAGGAGALIT GALITAN AKO?!!! TANGINA!!! GALIT TALAGA AKO!!! DAHIL PINAMUKHA MO SA IBANG TAO NA MAHINA AKO!!!! O DIBA!!! ANG GANDA NG IMAHE NA IPININTA MO SA MGA UTAK NILA!!! AYOS YUN!!! AKO, WALA AKONG SINABI SAYO NA TAGUS TAGUSAN KUNG MANAKIT, PERO IKAW, SIGURO KUNG MAAALALA KO LAHAT MULA NG BATA AKO, NOBELA NA NG MASASAKIT AT KAINSU INSULTONG MGA SALITA MAGAGAWA MO!!!!

yan ang nanay, ang bait no?